Five years later: focus and foresight
Five years.
It’s a long time, and yet still a blink.
Half a decade ago, I gave up a position that I thoroughly loved. Being the assistant line developer for Catalyst Game Labs’ BattleTech property was one of those pinnacle moments I’d strived for. Helping shape a venerable franchise universe such as this one…well, it’s truly special.
Wonderous.
Filled with opportunity.
A creative’s dream.
Frustrating.
Hell.
After 8 years in that position (and about 20 years “behind the scenes”), I walked away from it.
Most who know me, know many of the reasons why. Money, power, differences of management and communication philosophy and style, personality clashes, and more.
Don’t be afraid to walk away from your passion, especially if it’s poisoning you.
When you’re doing something you love, there’s always a little bit of imperfection, of dross that collects at the bottom of that happiness cup. Sometimes, it accumulates faster than the happy stuff refills. And at some point, it turns the happy bitter.
Making the decision to leave was agonizing. So much of what I loved, how I defined myself as a creator, came from that position. And yet, at the same time, it was also slowly killing me and my creative spark.
So I walked away. I gave it all up because it was poisoning me.
Since I left, I’ve read nothing from the current era, save a couple of entries for IAMTW’s Scribe Awards (because I’m a perennial judge). I barely visited the forums afterward, until I was booted because someone new in power didn’t want me “hanging around.” Which was fine; cutting cold turkey ended up being the best thing for me, anyway.
Leaving what I considered a dream gig was the best thing for me. Yes, it was difficult for a time – and still is, on occasion. I’m not inclined to find out what the new regime has done to all of the stories and threads I helped assemble (I know it’s pretty scorched earth, so…). I still have a pang in my heart when I see a great-looking miniature or visuals from the various video games. I sometimes flip through the books I do have (all the ones I contributed to, save one), but inevitably put it back on the shelf after a few minutes.
It’s hard to let go, and yet it’s been such a relief. I examine these pangs and relish them now, because I know that means I really loved what I did. It tells me that following my passion, even if just for a short time, meant something of value to me.
And that value has elevated me to so much more.
In the five years since I made that decision, I’ve discovered and achieved greater heights in my writing career. I’ve had a better perception of atrocious gigs in the gaming space, redefined how and what I do in communications, wrote more, and found a new universe to play in.
I guess what all of my words above boil down to is: don’t be afraid to walk away from your passion if it’s slowly poisoning you. There are better vistas ahead; you just have to let go of the lesser heights to go even higher.
It’s worth the struggle. Keep at it.
See you at the summit!